Saturday, May 31, 2008

Having a hard time

So this week has been a rough one. Once again, my hormones are getting the best of me. I am just really missing Philip lately. I mean, I miss him everyday, but this week has been especially hard. I am on the verge of tears most days and I have had several breakdowns. It reminds me of the first few weeks after he got his wings. I just always felt like I could break down any moment. Well, I am there again. It is defineatly a combination of the open wound of his death and the fear of Cristian's arrival. I have been strugglying with the idea of replacement since before I got pregnant this time and it is still rearing its head. I just don't want Philip to feel replaced and I don't want Cristian to feel like 2nd prize. Logically, this all makes no sense...but to a grieving mom it makes perfect sense. I have been talking to some of the other moms in my support group and they totally get it, but it is still hard. The support and understanding is great, but I wish I could embrace it and move forward. I wish the other moms lived here, so we could talk in person...that would be so awesome to meet them. Oh well, the internet will have to do. Anyway, I just look at online pics of all the new babies that have been born over the past few months and they make me smile through tears. maybe I should stop, as I am obviously just torturing myself.

On the other side I had a very productive meeting with Dr. S. yesterday. My cesarean will be at 8am on June 18th. He is confident the spinal will work and I won't have the same anethesia problems like last time. I also insisted on the glue again and he said no problem (staples really scare me). He said I could breastfeed no problem. The pain meds would not effect Cristian. That was good news, as I am looking forward to breastfeeding (kind of a 2nd place finish since I will never know the feeling of vaginal birth). Oh, and I pre-registered at the hospital. Based on Philip's birth and me never actually going into labor, Dr. S. doesn't think Cristian will come early (darn!), so he expects that by the 18th Cristian will be a good 8 1/2 to 9 pounds. Yippee! I mean, I don't have to wreste him out and I love a big 'ol fat baby! As of now, we are bags packed, carseats installed, ready for baby. Even though it looks as though we still have 18 more days to go, we are ready for anything.

Now, I just have to start getting myself together emotionally. After Cristian is born, I will have him as a little distraction, but until then I am going to have to toughin' up. The next 18 days are going to be a challenge. Please pray for me, I am defineatly going to need it.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Bad Blogger

It has been weeks since my last post. I am been so busy and tired and fat...yes, I am pathetic, but I'm not just making excuses. I have been really busy in addition to constantly having to fight back the hormones. So here is an update, week by week.

Saturday May 3rd, Carlos' mom and my mom gave us a shower for Carlos' family and our SA friends. It was so nice. The weather was wonderful so the guys grilled some meat and we spent most of the day outside under the trees.

The following weekend was our first anniversary and Mother's Day. Our anniversary was on Friday the 9th. I took the day off from work and made Carlos a red velvet cake. We decided to have El Chapparrel for dinner, which was delicious! We ate there after we got married, so it seemed fitting to have our anniversary dinner there as well. For Mother's Day we spent Saturday with my mom and Sunday with Carlos' mom. It was a nice weekend, but quite exhausting for a fat pregnant lady. Carlos is so thoughtful, he never forgets to give me a gift from Philip. This year it was one of my favorite collectables...a little wooden statue of a mom and dad holding a new baby. Just a little present from Philip to welcome home his little brother.

We spent all day the 17th cleaning the garage. We had a garage sale in the morning and spent the afternoon organizing all the stuff we decided to keep. We put a shed in the backyard last year, but have already filled now we had to organize the garage because it was driving me crazy. Carlos has spent the last few weeks decorating the garage with all his longhorn stuff. It actually looks pretty good. Still a little messy, but it is getting there.

That brings us to this past weekend. My Aunt Ellen and Uncle Carl came in from East Texas to see my mom's house, so Carlos and I drove up to Kyle to enjoy the fun! It was also my Aunt Colleen's birthday (yesterday) so she came in from Austin. Saturday Carl and Carlos took the boat to Canyon Lake for fishing and watching girls in bikinis! The ladies and I went to the salon. I have been meaning to have a pedicure for several weeks now (since I haven't been able to reach my own feet without pain for over a month). So, it was just want I needed. I had my toes and my nails done. Now, if I could just shave my legs, I would be ready for the hospital! Kidding! Anyway, we had a great time all day and met up with the boys in San Marcus for dinner. Sunday, the guys left before dawn to get to the fish and the ladies laid around all morning gossiping. Hey, it's what we do best! We met the guys at the Grist Mill in Greune for lunch. Let me just say, that food was sooooo goooood!!! I have been to the resteraunt before, but never actually ate there. Mom and I split a turkey sandwich and it was devine. I didn't know a sandwich could be so good. Even though our waitress was a bit bland, she made out because the food more than made up for her attitude. We all left yesterday morning, early, but with memories a plenty of a great family weekend.

Today, I took the day off so I could have a four-day weekend and spend some time resting. Well, that didn't happen. I don't know if it was the fact that the house was a bit of a mess or if my nesting has kicked in...but, I have spent my entire day cleaning and organizing. Mandy even came by to helping left some things that I couldn't. Normally, I have to sit down every few minutes because of my back pain, but today I was able to keep working. When I did sit, I spent the time writing Thank You notes (my work buddies gave me a shower last week at the office, it was wonderful!!). Anyway, I was able to finish so many projects, I am feeling so much better about Cristian coming home. The house looks so good, even Carlos was wowed when he got home. I even sterilized a few pacifiers so I could finish packing Cristian's bag for the hospital. So, I am ready. Cristian can come home anytime he wants now and I feel as ready as I am gonna be.

BTW- I went to the doctor on the 16th and we set a date for the cesarean...June 18th! Mom and Carlos are convinced Cristian is going to come early, but if not, his birthday will be 6-18-08. I am really excited to have a date, but it also brings on the anxiety. Just a few more weeks...With Philip, I never planned long term, I was so focused on keeping him alive, I just never thought about it. With Cristian, things are different. I am still a bit worried that he is healthy, but even more so, I am worried that I am going to be a bad mom. I keep thinking that I am going to mess him up somehow. Not so much as a newborn, but later in his life. What if I say something that hurts his feelings and he carries it around forever...hurt on the inside??? I could not live with myself. I know, this is just hormones talking...but it's hard to remember that when I am having a meltdown. Oh well, I will make it...the next few weeks will hopefully go by really fast and Cristian will be here soon...healthy and beautiful. In fact, I have to tie up a few things this week at work, but I did tell Cristian that if he wanted to come after this Friday he was welcome to. I won't be 37 weeks until next Tuesday, but I haven't really slept in days, so I give up. He can come whenever.

OK, OK, I having been writing for way too long...and I didn't even add pictures. Maybe tomorrow. I have a few more things to wrap-up before I get ready to go back to work tomorrow, so thanks for catching up.