Saturday, May 31, 2008

Having a hard time

So this week has been a rough one. Once again, my hormones are getting the best of me. I am just really missing Philip lately. I mean, I miss him everyday, but this week has been especially hard. I am on the verge of tears most days and I have had several breakdowns. It reminds me of the first few weeks after he got his wings. I just always felt like I could break down any moment. Well, I am there again. It is defineatly a combination of the open wound of his death and the fear of Cristian's arrival. I have been strugglying with the idea of replacement since before I got pregnant this time and it is still rearing its head. I just don't want Philip to feel replaced and I don't want Cristian to feel like 2nd prize. Logically, this all makes no sense...but to a grieving mom it makes perfect sense. I have been talking to some of the other moms in my support group and they totally get it, but it is still hard. The support and understanding is great, but I wish I could embrace it and move forward. I wish the other moms lived here, so we could talk in person...that would be so awesome to meet them. Oh well, the internet will have to do. Anyway, I just look at online pics of all the new babies that have been born over the past few months and they make me smile through tears. maybe I should stop, as I am obviously just torturing myself.

On the other side I had a very productive meeting with Dr. S. yesterday. My cesarean will be at 8am on June 18th. He is confident the spinal will work and I won't have the same anethesia problems like last time. I also insisted on the glue again and he said no problem (staples really scare me). He said I could breastfeed no problem. The pain meds would not effect Cristian. That was good news, as I am looking forward to breastfeeding (kind of a 2nd place finish since I will never know the feeling of vaginal birth). Oh, and I pre-registered at the hospital. Based on Philip's birth and me never actually going into labor, Dr. S. doesn't think Cristian will come early (darn!), so he expects that by the 18th Cristian will be a good 8 1/2 to 9 pounds. Yippee! I mean, I don't have to wreste him out and I love a big 'ol fat baby! As of now, we are bags packed, carseats installed, ready for baby. Even though it looks as though we still have 18 more days to go, we are ready for anything.

Now, I just have to start getting myself together emotionally. After Cristian is born, I will have him as a little distraction, but until then I am going to have to toughin' up. The next 18 days are going to be a challenge. Please pray for me, I am defineatly going to need it.


Jan said...

I am sending you a hugs and kisses. Oh Stacey, you are so brave. I know it doesn't help much, but your mourning is so natural and even good. You loved Philip.... It's funny-lots of my friends worried about their second, "I could never love this one as much as the firts..." all sorts of fears like that...and then they met their second...and understood how the heart simply expands to love this new one just as intensly.

Know this, your grieving is a process. God is changing you in the moments of your pain.... For instance, after Chuck died you IMMEDIATELY sent me that sweet letter of support...cause you know.

By the are looking toooooo adorable.

Lani said...

I am so glad that you have a date set to meet your second little boy! I can't imagine going through what you have been through with Philip, but I think you are incredibly strong and brave. You inspire me to trust God in the circumstances that we encounter on our journey of life. I hope that meeting Cristian will help you to continue to heal.
Can't wait to see pics of your boy!!!

Cantalupo said...

A big, biggest huge and a lot of kisses. Be quiet, a lot uf us were enormous pink areostatic balloon in last days of nine, loooong months....never mind, Cristian let's you run a lot in the future! and you have an angel who help you, smile dearest.