I had a ruff weekend. My intention was to get up early on Saturday and go to work for a few hours...but...I ended up feeling sick and tired all day. Carlos was working with his mom's boyfriend all day, so I was alone. I guess I just needed some time to be depressed. I have battled depression my whole life, not knowing what it was until just a few years ago. I took medication for 2 years and even saw a therapist for awhile. In the end, I let go of some baggage and was able to learn to control myself. Now, ever since Philip died, I have days where my old buddy creeps back in. Days where I can't get out of bed and even eating takes too much energy. I try so hard to keep it together every day, that I guess it just builds up and takes over. Well, Saturday I had to give in. Basically, I did not get out of bed till almost noon...and then, it was only to move to the couch. Poor Carlos. He doesn't understand my sorrow and I have a hard time explaining. I really can't control it. I just wake up and there it is. I could try and fight it, but I have found that when I do it only gets worse. So, I just gave in and wallowed. We had a heart to heart later that night and I think he gets it a little better. It is kind of like addiction (for me, smoking) you can't really get it unless you have been there. I can't explain why I can be busy at my desk and out of nowhere...BAM...I want a cigarette...I NEED a cigarette. It makes no sense. I haven't had a cigarette in ages, but I can still get cravings completely out of the blue. I don't know how to explain that feeling to someone who has never experienced it. And...that is the same for depression. So...Saturday passed and by Sunday morning I felt better. Until church.
The reading at church was about a woman who married the oldest of seven brothers. When he died, she married the second oldest. When he died she married the third oldest...etc. etc. until the last brother died. The question was, who's wife will she be in heaven? The Priest explained that we have different relationships in heaven, our connections from Earth no longer matter. We are just all God's children. Well thank you very much. You know, the only reason I keep it together on my really hard days is because I know that one day I will get to see my son again. That one day, in heaven, I will hold him in my arms. And now, they tell me that our bond on Earth will be obsolete in heaven...that we will just be God's children. Sheep in the flock. How am I supposed to take that? Well, I will tell you how I did take it...not well.