1st Sonogram

So...Yesterday was my first sonogram. I did not know what to expect to see for only being 10 weeks along, but I was excited nonetheless. Despite my talk with God, I did not get twins. I really thought he owed me...two babies, one surgery...but I guess he has other plans. I know, I know, he's the one with the plan... Anyway, the baby just looked like a little fuzzy peanut with a beating heart. I have to admit, even as a fuzzy peanut, our kid is quite the cutie! And...what a heartbeat! 176 beats per minute! That should slow down a bit after a few more weeks, but for now it is perfectly normal and healthy. They could not see too much detail this early, but everything measured within the normal range. The baby is a bit smaller than 10 weeks...closer to 9 and 1/2. I had to remind my Dr. that Philip too was a little guy until my 4th month when he fattened up over night. He said that this baby would probably do the same thing. My new due date has changed a bit, originally it was June 28th, but Dr. S said yesterday he is going to move it to June 25th. That is my brother's birthday. How funny! It doesn't really matter though. I will be having another C-section, so the baby will be born about two weeks before. We will settle on an exact date later. I want to post the pictures, so I promise to invest some time this weekend to figure out exactly how to do that.

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. With the holidays, things have been crazy. I will try to post more often for the 6 of you who read this. I know you are just dying to read my thoughts and adventures!

Bad Saturday

I had a ruff weekend. My intention was to get up early on Saturday and go to work for a few hours...but...I ended up feeling sick and tired all day. Carlos was working with his mom's boyfriend all day, so I was alone. I guess I just needed some time to be depressed. I have battled depression my whole life, not knowing what it was until just a few years ago. I took medication for 2 years and even saw a therapist for awhile. In the end, I let go of some baggage and was able to learn to control myself. Now, ever since Philip died, I have days where my old buddy creeps back in. Days where I can't get out of bed and even eating takes too much energy. I try so hard to keep it together every day, that I guess it just builds up and takes over. Well, Saturday I had to give in. Basically, I did not get out of bed till almost noon...and then, it was only to move to the couch. Poor Carlos. He doesn't understand my sorrow and I have a hard time explaining. I really can't control it. I just wake up and there it is. I could try and fight it, but I have found that when I do it only gets worse. So, I just gave in and wallowed. We had a heart to heart later that night and I think he gets it a little better. It is kind of like addiction (for me, smoking) you can't really get it unless you have been there. I can't explain why I can be busy at my desk and out of nowhere...BAM...I want a cigarette...I NEED a cigarette. It makes no sense. I haven't had a cigarette in ages, but I can still get cravings completely out of the blue. I don't know how to explain that feeling to someone who has never experienced it. And...that is the same for depression. So...Saturday passed and by Sunday morning I felt better. Until church.

The reading at church was about a woman who married the oldest of seven brothers. When he died, she married the second oldest. When he died she married the third oldest...etc. etc. until the last brother died. The question was, who's wife will she be in heaven? The Priest explained that we have different relationships in heaven, our connections from Earth no longer matter. We are just all God's children. Well thank you very much. You know, the only reason I keep it together on my really hard days is because I know that one day I will get to see my son again. That one day, in heaven, I will hold him in my arms. And now, they tell me that our bond on Earth will be obsolete in heaven...that we will just be God's children. Sheep in the flock. How am I supposed to take that? Well, I will tell you how I did take it...not well.

First Appointment

Yesterday was my first prenatal appointment. Dr. Sutton was great. We talked about pre-screening the baby for any problems and I decided he is right...it is better to know that not. Dr. Sutton was so supportive during my pregnancy with Philip and he is really happy for us with this baby. He wants to be cautious, so I will go back in 3 weeks, on Carlos' birthday (Nov. 28th), to have a sonogram and another appointment. He would also like for me to go back to the specialist for a level 2 sonogram early on. Although I would prefer to see a different specialist, I will see the same one for now. She who shall remain nameless (the specialist without a soul) was a big disappointment during Philip's birth and I really don't want my insurance paying someone whom I deem unworthy of my business. Carlos and I decided we will go to her for the level 2, in hopes that we will only need that one visit to determine that our baby is indeed healthy and lookin' good. However, if our baby needs any special care for the long term, I will transfer my records to a new specialist. So I am feeling quite positive today. I will go by the pharmacy this afternoon and pick up my prenatal vitamins. With Philip, they dehydrated me, so I will try them again this time and play it by ear. I forgot how easy it is to be optimistic, all I have to do is make it 3 weeks to my next appointment. If I think in that time frame, I will succeed (and not drive my self crazy). Oh, my due date is June 28th. A summer baby...just like my mom, Steve, Belle, and my friend Lisa. So, now I will be counting the days until I get to see the baby on the screen and the thump thump of his heart (we are hoping for another boy, although healthy is our main want).

Cancelled Appointment

We found out we were pregnant on October 20th via home pregnancy test...two of them to be exact. My first scheduled doctor's appointment was this morning, eleven minutes ago. Unfortunately, my doctor had to reschedule. I was actually pretty excited and anxious about the appointment. I have a list of questions for the doctor, but now I have to wait until next week. So far we haven't really told anyone about the pregnancy. Our moms know and a few very close friends. We are hoping to surprise the rest of our family at Thanksgiving. It is only a few weeks away, so I am hopeful we will make it. Everyone I know is pregnant or has an infant, so I am having a hard time with patience. Without Philip, life has been a challenge. I tried to share him with everyone in our lives, and sometimes I feel like I did not get enough holding time with him. With this pregnancy, I am already counting the days until I will get to hold the baby.