I am sooo bad!

OK, I really thought, since I am sooo opinionated, that I would totally rock this blog thing. I did not, however, remember that my laziness totally trumps all other traits! I am trying here, but I do apologize to the 6 of you who have bitten your nails to nubs waiting for my next post. LOL!

Anyhoo, the holidays are here. We spent Christmas with Carlos' brother and his family. Mom came with and we had such a good time. We watched the kids play their new Wii and laughed as my prissy niece beat my athletic niece at bowling. The athletic one, Erika, is older and quite competitive. She's a good sport and didn't get too upset that her little sister (in a skirt and dress shoes) was whooping her butt. I got more presents than I deserve...including a craft cart from my wonderful husband and a rocker/recliner (I have yet to pick out) from my mom.

Just a quick aside...with Philip, I got so big the last month that I could no longer sleep in bed...partially because I could not get up and down (the 100 times I needed to throughout the night) by myself. Long story short, I spent the month sleeping on a chair and ottoman combo in our living room. It was low enough that I could actually lift my fat butt all by myself. We gave away that set after Philip was born for several reasons. 1. It was way too big for our living room. 2. I couldn't bare to look at it anymore (me and my boy spent many hours bonding on that chair). 3. It was old (but in good condition) and the fabric choice did not really match our new furniture. The point: In case I get so huge toward the end and can no longer sleep in our bed...I really wanted a rocker/recliner. And, I think it also might be nice to rock the baby in it too. My mom, being so sweet, has offered to buy me one for Christmas. So, at some point we will go to Lacks and pick it out. No rush at this point as I am still able to sleep in my own bed.

I am going to the cemetery today to finalize the design for Philip's marker. Sorry if that is a bid morbid for some of you, but it is a big moment for us. We have been saving for many months to be able to pay for it and today is the day we finally get to order it. Carlos has to work, so mom will come with me. Carlos and I decided on the design some months back, so he is OK not coming along. We chose to have the stone laser cut, which gives you so much more detail. I wanted to add Philip's picture, but Carlos had reservations about that. Instead I am going to ask about adding a small frame that can be removed if we want. Nonetheless I am so thrilled to finally give Philip his marker. Poor kid, for the past 9 months, his crypt has been marked with a paper sign. Anyway, today a large marble block will be lifted from my shoulders. Yeah!

I hope everyone had a lovely holiday...and that many of you are still enjoying your holiday. I still have another week before I have to return to the office and I plan to enjoy every last day of it!

Thank you Christy

Several weeks ago Christy (an old friend of a friend and a new friend of mine) suggested I read a book called "90 Minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper. It is the story of a pastor who was in a car accident and was legally dead for 90 minutes. Well, I went out and bought it and have made my way about half-way through it. It is an easy read, but sometimes difficult through tears. My initial intention in reading this book was to find out what it felt like for the author to go to heaven for 90 minutes. Strangely that part of the book is rather short. The middle part, where I am now, is about Don's recovery from the accident. I just finished up a chapter where Don realizes he needs to allow others to do for him. He is spending what amounts to months and months laying in a bed and everyone who visits offers to get him things or read to him. He continues to turn them down until on of his friends sets him straight. By allowing his friends and family to give what they could he is allowing them to heal and give him strength. In the end, he learns a huge lesson.

After Philip died, I was so out of it. I think in part it had to do with the 4 epidurals (a hospital record...I truly believe that medication stayed with me for days) and the pain meds I continued to take. It also had to do with putting off my grief until everything was done...the arrangements, the funeral. In those first couple of days I just gave up all power. Physically, because of the c-section, I just could not do alot. Reading Don's words made so much sense to me. In times like those you need to allow people to help. It does take some of the pressure off you, but it also helps them. Now ya'll know that is not my way...I am sooo independent...almost to a fault. But I let everyone help and boy did they! My friend Rhonda and my sister-in-law Amanda went on a shopping trip and found Philip the perfect outfit. My mom made all the arragements with the funeral home and the church and the cemetary. My brother and my friend Chris helped keep us all fed and keep Carlos sane. And my Aunt Colleen...master sleuth...looked all night via the internet for the perfect casket. I know that sounds a bit morbid, but the caskets for children (God forbid any of you have to know this) are really limited and many of them are quite ugly. They have some that look like large plastic containers (Google it if you think I lie), and others that are metal and cold. Colleen worked a miracle and found the perfect wood casket (just what I wanted). It was so beautiful and it was delivered all the way from Georgia in one day. Philip passed on Thursday morning and the service was Saturday. Everything needed to happen fast and it did. It was just another series of miracles from above.

Anyway, I will continue reading the book and more than likely learning more lessons. Thank you Christy for such a wonderful recommendation.

1st Sonogram

So...Yesterday was my first sonogram. I did not know what to expect to see for only being 10 weeks along, but I was excited nonetheless. Despite my talk with God, I did not get twins. I really thought he owed me...two babies, one surgery...but I guess he has other plans. I know, I know, he's the one with the plan... Anyway, the baby just looked like a little fuzzy peanut with a beating heart. I have to admit, even as a fuzzy peanut, our kid is quite the cutie! And...what a heartbeat! 176 beats per minute! That should slow down a bit after a few more weeks, but for now it is perfectly normal and healthy. They could not see too much detail this early, but everything measured within the normal range. The baby is a bit smaller than 10 weeks...closer to 9 and 1/2. I had to remind my Dr. that Philip too was a little guy until my 4th month when he fattened up over night. He said that this baby would probably do the same thing. My new due date has changed a bit, originally it was June 28th, but Dr. S said yesterday he is going to move it to June 25th. That is my brother's birthday. How funny! It doesn't really matter though. I will be having another C-section, so the baby will be born about two weeks before. We will settle on an exact date later. I want to post the pictures, so I promise to invest some time this weekend to figure out exactly how to do that.

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. With the holidays, things have been crazy. I will try to post more often for the 6 of you who read this. I know you are just dying to read my thoughts and adventures!

Bad Saturday

I had a ruff weekend. My intention was to get up early on Saturday and go to work for a few hours...but...I ended up feeling sick and tired all day. Carlos was working with his mom's boyfriend all day, so I was alone. I guess I just needed some time to be depressed. I have battled depression my whole life, not knowing what it was until just a few years ago. I took medication for 2 years and even saw a therapist for awhile. In the end, I let go of some baggage and was able to learn to control myself. Now, ever since Philip died, I have days where my old buddy creeps back in. Days where I can't get out of bed and even eating takes too much energy. I try so hard to keep it together every day, that I guess it just builds up and takes over. Well, Saturday I had to give in. Basically, I did not get out of bed till almost noon...and then, it was only to move to the couch. Poor Carlos. He doesn't understand my sorrow and I have a hard time explaining. I really can't control it. I just wake up and there it is. I could try and fight it, but I have found that when I do it only gets worse. So, I just gave in and wallowed. We had a heart to heart later that night and I think he gets it a little better. It is kind of like addiction (for me, smoking) you can't really get it unless you have been there. I can't explain why I can be busy at my desk and out of nowhere...BAM...I want a cigarette...I NEED a cigarette. It makes no sense. I haven't had a cigarette in ages, but I can still get cravings completely out of the blue. I don't know how to explain that feeling to someone who has never experienced it. And...that is the same for depression. So...Saturday passed and by Sunday morning I felt better. Until church.

The reading at church was about a woman who married the oldest of seven brothers. When he died, she married the second oldest. When he died she married the third oldest...etc. etc. until the last brother died. The question was, who's wife will she be in heaven? The Priest explained that we have different relationships in heaven, our connections from Earth no longer matter. We are just all God's children. Well thank you very much. You know, the only reason I keep it together on my really hard days is because I know that one day I will get to see my son again. That one day, in heaven, I will hold him in my arms. And now, they tell me that our bond on Earth will be obsolete in heaven...that we will just be God's children. Sheep in the flock. How am I supposed to take that? Well, I will tell you how I did take it...not well.

First Appointment

Yesterday was my first prenatal appointment. Dr. Sutton was great. We talked about pre-screening the baby for any problems and I decided he is right...it is better to know that not. Dr. Sutton was so supportive during my pregnancy with Philip and he is really happy for us with this baby. He wants to be cautious, so I will go back in 3 weeks, on Carlos' birthday (Nov. 28th), to have a sonogram and another appointment. He would also like for me to go back to the specialist for a level 2 sonogram early on. Although I would prefer to see a different specialist, I will see the same one for now. She who shall remain nameless (the specialist without a soul) was a big disappointment during Philip's birth and I really don't want my insurance paying someone whom I deem unworthy of my business. Carlos and I decided we will go to her for the level 2, in hopes that we will only need that one visit to determine that our baby is indeed healthy and lookin' good. However, if our baby needs any special care for the long term, I will transfer my records to a new specialist. So I am feeling quite positive today. I will go by the pharmacy this afternoon and pick up my prenatal vitamins. With Philip, they dehydrated me, so I will try them again this time and play it by ear. I forgot how easy it is to be optimistic, all I have to do is make it 3 weeks to my next appointment. If I think in that time frame, I will succeed (and not drive my self crazy). Oh, my due date is June 28th. A summer baby...just like my mom, Steve, Belle, and my friend Lisa. So, now I will be counting the days until I get to see the baby on the screen and the thump thump of his heart (we are hoping for another boy, although healthy is our main want).

Cancelled Appointment

We found out we were pregnant on October 20th via home pregnancy test...two of them to be exact. My first scheduled doctor's appointment was this morning, eleven minutes ago. Unfortunately, my doctor had to reschedule. I was actually pretty excited and anxious about the appointment. I have a list of questions for the doctor, but now I have to wait until next week. So far we haven't really told anyone about the pregnancy. Our moms know and a few very close friends. We are hoping to surprise the rest of our family at Thanksgiving. It is only a few weeks away, so I am hopeful we will make it. Everyone I know is pregnant or has an infant, so I am having a hard time with patience. Without Philip, life has been a challenge. I tried to share him with everyone in our lives, and sometimes I feel like I did not get enough holding time with him. With this pregnancy, I am already counting the days until I will get to hold the baby.